Going through pictures on my computer, I found this photo from this past September, once again a beautiful sunset from my backyard. A little behind I am with the things I enjoy doing, the craziness of another year that has gone by with new employment for me and hopes of trying to find a way back to doing the things I want: family, nature, photographs, writing, travel and loving life.
Sunsets colors so enchanting they hold me in constant daydreams until darkness arrives.
I want to be a Jack Russell, I want to run around, leaping through the air.
I want to have energy to play, I want to have energy to live a full day, not just enough energy to complete my day.
Please, can I be what I want to be?
Sometimes on the way home from work I let out a big sigh and wonder why I do what I do for a living.
I have learned so much working in healthcare but the biggest problem is that I have learned too much. Daily I struggle with the plans that are made for patients by a few doctors who spend so little time with them, doctors who can alter their patients very existence of daily life. Why do patients feel they have to agree with a physician’s plan of care while in the hospital like they don’t have a choice but once discharged home they do what they really wanted to do all along, go home, stop all treatments and live in peace for the rest of their days. Not all doctors but there are a few who seem to truly intimidate patients and their families, by giving options but not really giving a choice, are these treatment plans recommended for their patients best interest or for physician glory, money??????
I sit here, sigh and truly don’t understand why.
Something little I wrote, I was inspired by our trip to Rocky Mountain National Park.
Never can say enough about colors in the sky. My days are so busy full of stress and when I come home I forget to look out my westward windows. This day not to long ago, I noticed the brilliant oranges, pinks mixed with some gray. I grabbed my camera and ran outside to take a few pictures of the constantly changing sky, then sat my camera down to watch the sunset in the western sky with my own two eyes. It always amazes me how colors in the sky can heal the heart and take away the stress of the day.
So I have been working as a RN case manager for 3 years. Working as a case manager was a big change from ER nursing but still very stressful.
I believe I have let the demons of healthcare take over my thoughts again, the sadness of people who spend so much time in the hospital sick and their stories have taken a lot from me. I know hospitals are for sick people and it does amaze me at times what can be done to help patients through some big medical event so they can get back to living life. I see so many patients on a daily basis whose life of living is admission after admission to the hospital, some hoping their breathing will some how get better and not need more liters of home oxygen or that their hearts will pump stronger and not let their bodies fill up with fluid. Every week seeing familiar faces, worried families wanting to know why we can’t fix them, some patients don’t have families and hope for just a year or two more of maintaining some sort of independence, their stories have clouded my thoughts at night.
Yes, being a case manager has been a challenge, I am a strong patient advocate I will stand up for what is right. I just wish everyone else would do the same.
mind too tired
when evening falls
blurry vision through eyelids which can’t make peace
waiting for daylights glow to sleep
This summer my husband and I traveled to Colorado. I have written and dreamed of mountains my entire life and now I was going to finally see them. Words cannot describe Colorado, the wonderful drive through Rocky Mountain National Park, the hiking, fly fishing, sleeping in a sweet little cottage next to a river, I am forever changed.
We drove I-70 from Indiana to Colorado, It was a long drive and I was so full of excitement, reading highway exit signs of town names along the highway sent my imagination into a spin of what life was like way back then, all those old wild west towns I remember from movies, books, names on highway signs passing me by at 75 mph; Salina, Abilene, Hays, Dodge City, Burlington. Before our trip several people told us that the drive on I-70 is horrible, boring and we should fly to Colorado. I found the views breathtaking off I-70, so vast the flat lands and rolling hills, scattered with ranches and thousands of cattle in pastures grazing tall grasses and all the old lovely barns that were barely standing. This drive was so important and I tell everyone with great excitement how I enjoyed my drive on I-70 and all the beauty there is to see.
The Great Plains led me to the mountains and touched my soul.
Something about my Mozzie dog makes me smile, she always sticks out her tongue. I found her standing on the side of a rural road when she was a pup about 2 1/2 years ago, I knew she had been dumped, she was very afraid and hungry at first but ready to be loved. Mozzie has grown into a fine loving dog who protects her home with a loud deep bark and is always ready to play.
I love my Mozzie.
It’s March and thinking of flowers from last year, how I missed them so.
Today in my part of Indiana the sun was shining and temps reached 63 degrees, I could smell the spring in the air.
Now to wait patiently for colors of green, pink and yellow.
Sometimes life can be so beautiful it amazes me.
Flowers in spring come to life to remind us we are getting closer to the end, little yellow flower reminds us to live.
Smokey night with dreams, thoughts of stillness, forever. Moonbeams shining the way, comforting to sleep.
Large lake with waves
takes my breath away
tears fill my eyes for you have inspired me
to grasp life, to feel alive.
To sleep at night is to dream for the day
for only wishes and wants can’t go away
for the night my dreams fade to colors
for daylight my dreams fade the reality
Nothing like getting a new toy. Let me rephrase that, nothing like an adult getting a new toy.
Yes, I bought me a new toy, a lovely Canon Rebel EOS Rebel T3i, not sure what the T3i stands for but it is so cool. I have always enjoyed taking pictures, it brings me joy. I started out many years ago with a basic little 35mm, then a small digital camera, then a few years ago a more advanced point and shoot digital camera. Now I have the big daddy a true d-SLR camera, like the professional photographers use.
For the last two weeks I have attempted to use this camera, first I used the auto mode just trying to understand how my new toy works, then last few days I have attempted to use the programmable mode, which means you have to set some of the settings to take a photo. I figured out yesterday and today that I have no idea what I am doing, managed to take a few photos that look decent(at least decent to me). So now I’m off to find an online basic photography class. I really need help,” what the heck is aperture and shutter speed anyways?” I thought I kinda new what I was doing but I am humble enough to admit I don’t have a clue.
So now I will share a few of my beginner photos with my brand new toy. I promise to keep practicing.
excitement of dreams to come soon
excitement to try, even if…
even if it turns out not entirely right
oh the excitement to try
Well it has begun, a whole new year.
I have been down for the last few weeks, I thought well maybe it was due to the new year beginning and just feeling sad about life but the little light bulb in my head went off and I realized why I have been feeling so blue.
I miss my chickens. One week before Christmas this past year some little critter found a way into my chicken coop and managed to kill all my chickens, my guinea and my duck. Yes, I am making a sad face right now! I really enjoyed taking care of our little farm animals. We had been raising these chickens for over three years, it’s funny how you develop a bond and how a routine is formed when you are raising animals.
I do enjoy where I live and I do enjoy seeing all the wildlife that lives around me but if I would have caught that critter in the act it would have not ended well for him or her. This is part of the price you pay when you live out of the city, there are risks but I would not trade it for anything. I do love living with wildlife around me for they bring me joy. I love raising chickens and other little farm animals for they bring me joy also. So now I will wait to see if we can repair or build a new home to raise chickens in again.
To a new year and new beginnings.
up from depths they will climb
angry from words no one should have spoken
reaching above the hate, the looks
fighting to become one
one to be respected
one to honored
one to be valued
up from the depths
alone in the climb
never alone in the fight
Families can be broken, lost and worn down. Families of two to forty two need love no matter what. Families come in all colors,
genders and demographics, hair color of green, wearing black, hair color of gold with many tattoo’s, noses pierced, hair gelled perfectly in place,
wearing pearls and lace, love of different race or gender. Lost with many not standing alone is how some feel.
Families must show love and grace to heal wounds taught by others about how to hate. Families should ignore others words and make each
other strong to stand down belittlement to stand mighty against strong glares. For families of two to forty two
will heal and survive to smile for eternity.
Silently the sky falls beneath
quietly wind sweeps tears
falling again and again
into caverns of depth
opening eyes slightly
for new morning light
as day must begin